Awesome Or Not 3: Sargon

Here we go, third installment.

Once again, on a basis of previous knowledge and appearance, what do you think?

Appearance:

• He has a funny hat. Wait… is that a hat? I have no idea.
• All representations of him are made in rock or metal, so you can tell he’s a pretty solid guy. Click.
• The first person I’ve judged to have facial hair. That’s good marks.

And on account of him being dead for 4224 years, that’s all I have for appearance. I’m gonna milk him of achievements and unachievements. Mostly from wikipedia. Here goes nothing.

Achievements:

• The story of his life is called the “Sargon Legend,” which is pretty much pimping.
• Overthrew this guy in the city-state of Kish after he became the guy’s cup-bearer. That was apparently significant back then, and better than man-fanner, grape-bowl-holder, etc. But I’m not quite sure how it was better than liquid-pourer. If I was a cup-bearer, I wouldn’t want to start handing people random cups, granted that would be fun, standing out in the streets, giving passers-by cups. But enough of that.
• He made the first empire in history to ever exist ever. That’s pretty impressive.
• He had a cool name.

Why did I choose this guy? Anyway, unachievements:

• He may be some bible guy named Nimrod. Yes. Nimrod.
• He has a great-great-great grandchild named Dudu.

And that’s all I have to say. This is a tough decision… I’m gonna have to make him…

But just on the verge of awesome.

Awesome or Not 2: Zheng He

If your unfamiliar with the rules, go and find the first post. Anyways, this post, I’ll be determining the awesomeness level of Zheng He.

Here he is.

Now, based on this picture and anything you already know about this guy, tell me your opinion:

Now, my view on appearance.

• Fancy robe. Looks like a relaxed guy and all.
• I want that hat.
• Looks like he’s on some sort of boat.
• Notice how he keeps that look on his face, but still holds that sword. Sorta saying “Hey, I’m pretty sure I can cut you with my eyes closed.”
• Lack of facial hair.

Overall, I’m gonna give him good marks for appearance.

Onto achievements.

• Explored the seas for China. But that’s not the best part. This is the size of the boat. And wasn’t it Teddy Roosevelt who said “Speak Chinese softly, but sail a huge boat.”? Yes.
• He could have potentially discovered America in 1421. 71 years before Columbus. (Even though the guy’s theory has been dismissed as crap, it’s still pretty cool to read.)
• Thought to be the origin of Sinbad. Because he went to Persia and all. Here’s his voyage map.
• Basically second in command to this Yongle emperor guy. Yongle is a funny word.
• He did all this and more despite the fact that he was a eunuch.

Anti-achievements to wrap it up.

• He was a eunuch.
• Eunuchs of the time carried around their…removed parts…in jars. Possibly pickled. It’d make a conversation a bit awkward.

And that’s all I can think up. And here we go. Zheng He is…

And there you have it! Looks like the kind of guy that would go barbequing (Yes!) and have a party. If it weren’t for his -cough- pickle jar.

Update: Added a rating mechanism at the bottom of the post (at least when you’re just on the post and not the main page).

Coming next: Observations

Awesome or Not 1: Napoleon Bonaparte

Alright, let’s give this a try. Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll discuss the awesomenesses and antiawesomenesses of the person on three topics. These are appearance, achievements and shortcomings. For instance, Mr. T would be given an awesome appearance due to mohawk, gold chains and pure muscle, awesome achievements for countless things, one of which would be learning to speak dolphin, and he has only one shortcoming: allowing Sylvester Stallone to punch him, even if it was just for a movie. Because of this information, T would receive an awesome button:

and be placed under the “Awesome People” category as opposed to be given a not awesome button:

and being placed in the “Not Awesome People” category.

So with that in mind, let’s begin the first official S.P.L.H.C.S. Awesome or Not post!

But first, before you read any further, based on this picture, what do you think the verdict will be?

Here we see Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alps. Down in the corner there, he’s marked his territory or something. But I would like to share some information. This painting is a total lie. Jacques-Louis David paints dishonesty, you see. Napoleon did not cross the Alps on a horse. The horse handles badly in those situations.

Mental image: a horse speeding through a mountain pass, funny-looking Frenchman on his back. He takes a sharp turn, skids, falls and rolls along the ground until it catches on fire.

No, he crossed on a mule. But the French didn’t need to know that, so the idea of Napoleon crossing mountains on a horse is awesome, but overall, there’s one thing that takes away the awesome in the appearance category.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO FAKE A PAINTING, FAKE THE LOOSENESS OF YOUR PANTS.

Now onto achievements.

1. Right off the bat, he was a French guy who didn’t surrender until after he was defeated at Waterloo, which won’t go into the unacheivements (That’s going to be the word now. I make up words like Shakespeare sometimes.) because that was Michel Ney’s fault, but I won’t go into that. Anyways, he did that, which wouldn’t happen with any French people after him. Wimps.
2. Next, he has a pastry named after him, which is always good.
3. I consider his last name to be manly.
4. He escaped exile once, and the only things that stopped him from getting off the other one were that it was in the middle of the Atlantic and he died before he could attempt it.
5. Technically Italian.
6. And that Rosetta Stone thing too, I guess.

He found this in Egypt.

Here.

And those are what strike me the most. And unacheivements:

1. Tight pants.
2. The two guys that beat his army at Waterloo were named Wellington, who is named after a beef dish, and Blucher, whose position could be given away by the sound of neighing horses every time his last name was mentioned. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his fault. Those guys sound a bit not deserving of the win there.
3. Tried to invade Russia, and everyone knows you don’t invade Russia. Unless you’re on fire or something, of course.
4. He did that weird hand-inside-the-shirt thing. And you know why? He thought hands were the most beautiful part of the body, and he wanted to protect them. Yes, I’m serious.
5. He had a kid named Hortense.
6. Lack of facial hair of any sort.
7. French.

So the time had now come for my judgment.

*drum roll*

Napoleon Bonaparte is…

There you have it! Hope you enjoyed this post. In fact…

Up next: Bears.

Update: Added a new secret comment page. Hint: start at the Stuff To Know page.