Awesome Or Not 3: Sargon

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Here we go, third installment.

sargon

Once again, on a basis of previous knowledge and appearance, what do you think?

Appearance:

  • He has a funny hat. Wait… is that a hat? I have no idea.
  • All representations of him are made in rock or metal, so you can tell he’s a pretty solid guy. Click.
  • The first person I’ve judged to have facial hair. That’s good marks.

And on account of him being dead for 4224 years, that’s all I have for appearance. I’m gonna milk him of achievements and unachievements. Mostly from wikipedia. Here goes nothing.

Achievements:

  • The story of his life is called the “Sargon Legend,” which is pretty much pimping.
  • Overthrew this guy in the city-state of Kish after he became the guy’s cup-bearer. That was apparently significant back then, and better than man-fanner, grape-bowl-holder, etc. But I’m not quite sure how it was better than liquid-pourer. If I was a cup-bearer, I wouldn’t want to start handing people random cups, granted that would be fun, standing out in the streets, giving passers-by cups. But enough of that.
  • He made the first empire in history to ever exist ever. That’s pretty impressive.
  • He had a cool name.

Why did I choose this guy? Anyway, unachievements:

  • He may be some bible guy named Nimrod. Yes. Nimrod.
  • He has a great-great-great grandchild named Dudu.

And that’s all I have to say. This is a tough decision… I’m gonna have to make him…

AWESOME

But just on the verge of awesome.

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Awesome or Not 2: Zheng He

Monday, August 10, 2009

If your unfamiliar with the rules, go and find the first post. Anyways, this post, I’ll be determining the awesomeness level of Zheng He.

Here he is.

Here he is.

Now, based on this picture and anything you already know about this guy, tell me your opinion:

Now, my view on appearance.

  • Fancy robe. Looks like a relaxed guy and all.
  • I want that hat.
  • Looks like he’s on some sort of boat.
  • Notice how he keeps that look on his face, but still holds that sword. Sorta saying “Hey, I’m pretty sure I can cut you with my eyes closed.”
  • Lack of facial hair.

Overall, I’m gonna give him good marks for appearance.

Onto achievements.

  • Explored the seas for China. But that’s not the best part. This is the size of the boat. And wasn’t it Teddy Roosevelt who said “Speak Chinese softly, but sail a huge boat.”? Yes.
  • He could have potentially discovered America in 1421. 71 years before Columbus. (Even though the guy’s theory has been dismissed as crap, it’s still pretty cool to read.)
  • Thought to be the origin of Sinbad. Because he went to Persia and all. Here’s his voyage map.
  • Basically second in command to this Yongle emperor guy. Yongle is a funny word.
  • He did all this and more despite the fact that he was a eunuch.

Anti-achievements to wrap it up.

  • He was a eunuch.
  • Eunuchs of the time carried around their…removed parts…in jars. Possibly pickled. It’d make a conversation a bit awkward.

And that’s all I can think up. And here we go. Zheng He is…

AWESOME

And there you have it! Looks like the kind of guy that would go barbequing (Yes!) and have a party. If it weren’t for his -cough- pickle jar.

Update: Added a rating mechanism at the bottom of the post (at least when you’re just on the post and not the main page).

Coming next: Observations


Oh, What A Mighty Bear.

Thursday, August 6, 2009
You could call it a party ANIMAL.

You could call it a party ANIMAL.

Much obliged.

I found that picture by searching “party bear.” If you search “bear party,” you get something you probably won’t like. At all. Needless to say, it was unpleasant.

And I just wanted to see a bunch of Grizzlies grouping under a disco ball. There’s a fog machine, too.

That thing ate those hot dogs like they were human beings or something. I also enjoy midgets (uh-oh) vs. elephant at the end there.

This is the story of a man named Fred

who came across a sight ever so rare:

A great Alaskan bear eating rye bread

“This creature,” he spoke, “is quite a fair bear.”

—-

The animal, Fred tried to make his friend,

But it growled and roared, mightily; loudly.

Fred couldn’t take a hint; eaten. The end.

In celebration, the bear danced proudly.

—-

I’m just gonna finish up this sonnet.

I’d like a bear to do guitar solos.

If one chooses, it can wear a bonnet.

Chocolate and caramel make up Rolos.

—-

Bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears.

Bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears bears.

Bottom line: Bears are awesome.

I use this picture a lot.

I use this picture a lot.

From here.

Coming Next: God.


Awesome or Not 1: Napoleon Bonaparte

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Alright, let’s give this a try. Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll discuss the awesomenesses and antiawesomenesses of the person on three topics. These are appearance, achievements and shortcomings. For instance, Mr. T would be given an awesome appearance due to mohawk, gold chains and pure muscle, awesome achievements for countless things, one of which would be learning to speak dolphin, and he has only one shortcoming: allowing Sylvester Stallone to punch him, even if it was just for a movie. Because of this information, T would receive an awesome button:

AWESOME

and be placed under the “Awesome People” category as opposed to be given a not awesome button:

NOTAWESOME

and being placed in the “Not Awesome People” category.

So with that in mind, let’s begin the first official S.P.L.H.C.S. Awesome or Not post!

David-Napoleon

But first, before you read any further, based on this picture, what do you think the verdict will be?

Here we see Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alps. Down in the corner there, he’s marked his territory or something. But I would like to share some information. This painting is a total lie. Jacques-Louis David paints dishonesty, you see. Napoleon did not cross the Alps on a horse. The horse handles badly in those situations.

Mental image: a horse speeding through a mountain pass, funny-looking Frenchman on his back. He takes a sharp turn, skids, falls and rolls along the ground until it catches on fire.

No, he crossed on a mule. But the French didn’t need to know that, so the idea of Napoleon crossing mountains on a horse is awesome, but overall, there’s one thing that takes away the awesome in the appearance category.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO FAKE A PAINTING, FAKE THE LOOSENESS OF YOUR PANTS.

Now onto achievements.

  1. Right off the bat, he was a French guy who didn’t surrender until after he was defeated at Waterloo, which won’t go into the unacheivements (That’s going to be the word now. I make up words like Shakespeare sometimes.) because that was Michel Ney’s fault, but I won’t go into that. Anyways, he did that, which wouldn’t happen with any French people after him. Wimps.
  2. Next, he has a pastry named after him, which is always good.
  3. I consider his last name to be manly.
  4. He escaped exile once, and the only things that stopped him from getting off the other one were that it was in the middle of the Atlantic and he died before he could attempt it.
  5. Technically Italian.
  6. And that Rosetta Stone thing too, I guess.

He found this in Egypt.

He found this in Egypt.

Here.

And those are what strike me the most. And unacheivements:

  1. Tight pants.
  2. The two guys that beat his army at Waterloo were named Wellington, who is named after a beef dish, and Blucher, whose position could be given away by the sound of neighing horses every time his last name was mentioned. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his fault. Those guys sound a bit not deserving of the win there.
  3. Tried to invade Russia, and everyone knows you don’t invade Russia. Unless you’re on fire or something, of course.
  4. He did that weird hand-inside-the-shirt thing. And you know why? He thought hands were the most beautiful part of the body, and he wanted to protect them. Yes, I’m serious.
  5. He had a kid named Hortense.
  6. Lack of facial hair of any sort.
  7. French.

So the time had now come for my judgment.

*drum roll*

Napoleon Bonaparte is…

NOTAWESOME

There you have it! Hope you enjoyed this post. In fact…

Up next: Bears.

Update: Added a new secret comment page. Hint: start at the Stuff To Know page.


Nevermind. Making Mo Posts Here.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Instead of just focusing here, I’m also going to post here and here. That’s right! It’s like a triple serving of Penguin. Instead this time, I’ve refined my tactics, so those’ll be like the side dishes to your heaping meal of me. Blogging.

But anyway, hoping to get me commenters back, so I’ll go scouting and whatnot. I expect this place up and running at full capacity soon.

So what posts should you be expecting here and over at the other two places now?

Well, at this blog right here, there’s gonna be some longer-sized posts. Why? I think it’s something worth trying. Count on them being humorous, but not humerus, although the post could very well be about a bone in your arm.

At the Awesome Squad, if I find a particularly awesome picture or video, I’ll make a short blurb about it and put it there. I foresee an influx of Mr. T, Chuck Norris and facial hair. Other awesome stuff, too.

Whatever doesn’t fit here or at the AS (I use abbreviations to make the blog sound important.), I’d throw it at Tacky Raccoons (first “here” up at the top).

So yes, starting up again. Off to go comment on peoples stuff.

I have returned.


Posts Are Now Every-Other-Day

Friday, October 24, 2008

Daily posting becomes tiring.


Believe It Or Not, This Isn’t Photoshopped

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Article here. It’s made in Germany.

It drills land.