Awesome or Not 1: Napoleon Bonaparte

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Alright, let’s give this a try. Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll discuss the awesomenesses and antiawesomenesses of the person on three topics. These are appearance, achievements and shortcomings. For instance, Mr. T would be given an awesome appearance due to mohawk, gold chains and pure muscle, awesome achievements for countless things, one of which would be learning to speak dolphin, and he has only one shortcoming: allowing Sylvester Stallone to punch him, even if it was just for a movie. Because of this information, T would receive an awesome button:

AWESOME

and be placed under the “Awesome People” category as opposed to be given a not awesome button:

NOTAWESOME

and being placed in the “Not Awesome People” category.

So with that in mind, let’s begin the first official S.P.L.H.C.S. Awesome or Not post!

David-Napoleon

But first, before you read any further, based on this picture, what do you think the verdict will be?

Here we see Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alps. Down in the corner there, he’s marked his territory or something. But I would like to share some information. This painting is a total lie. Jacques-Louis David paints dishonesty, you see. Napoleon did not cross the Alps on a horse. The horse handles badly in those situations.

Mental image: a horse speeding through a mountain pass, funny-looking Frenchman on his back. He takes a sharp turn, skids, falls and rolls along the ground until it catches on fire.

No, he crossed on a mule. But the French didn’t need to know that, so the idea of Napoleon crossing mountains on a horse is awesome, but overall, there’s one thing that takes away the awesome in the appearance category.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO FAKE A PAINTING, FAKE THE LOOSENESS OF YOUR PANTS.

Now onto achievements.

  1. Right off the bat, he was a French guy who didn’t surrender until after he was defeated at Waterloo, which won’t go into the unacheivements (That’s going to be the word now. I make up words like Shakespeare sometimes.) because that was Michel Ney’s fault, but I won’t go into that. Anyways, he did that, which wouldn’t happen with any French people after him. Wimps.
  2. Next, he has a pastry named after him, which is always good.
  3. I consider his last name to be manly.
  4. He escaped exile once, and the only things that stopped him from getting off the other one were that it was in the middle of the Atlantic and he died before he could attempt it.
  5. Technically Italian.
  6. And that Rosetta Stone thing too, I guess.

He found this in Egypt.

He found this in Egypt.

Here.

And those are what strike me the most. And unacheivements:

  1. Tight pants.
  2. The two guys that beat his army at Waterloo were named Wellington, who is named after a beef dish, and Blucher, whose position could be given away by the sound of neighing horses every time his last name was mentioned. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his fault. Those guys sound a bit not deserving of the win there.
  3. Tried to invade Russia, and everyone knows you don’t invade Russia. Unless you’re on fire or something, of course.
  4. He did that weird hand-inside-the-shirt thing. And you know why? He thought hands were the most beautiful part of the body, and he wanted to protect them. Yes, I’m serious.
  5. He had a kid named Hortense.
  6. Lack of facial hair of any sort.
  7. French.

So the time had now come for my judgment.

*drum roll*

Napoleon Bonaparte is…

NOTAWESOME

There you have it! Hope you enjoyed this post. In fact…

Up next: Bears.

Update: Added a new secret comment page. Hint: start at the Stuff To Know page.

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Believe It Or Not, This Isn’t Photoshopped

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Article here. It’s made in Germany.

It drills land.


Everything Ever

Monday, September 22, 2008

Yay! It’s blogiversary time! After 1 year, there’s 334,378 hits (upon publish), 406 posts, 10 pages (counting the main page and the secret comment page), almost 2,400 comments, and a sidebar with 20 widgets on it.

Statistics

First off, we have the top 3 posts ever on this blog. Coming in 3rd with more than 18, 700 single visits is “Rocket Gopher.”

Second with over 24,300 visits is “Murdock… I’m comin’ to get you,” which was, in fact, not supposed to have the awesome picture of Chuck Norris, but a less awesome picture of Rambo holding a fish.

First, with more than 28,000 visits is a terribly unfunny lolcat picture which I will not link to or show.

Next up, search engine terms.

In fifth…wow, with nearly 13,000 hits.

Fourth: “funny pictures,” with over 17,000 views.

Third: “funny,” with more than 18,000 visits.

Unfortunately, “funny cats” is second with almost 21,000 idiots.

Finally, making up for the second place term, “chuck norris” is in the lead with over 35,000 awesome people.

Chronicling of The Awesome Train

As I hope you know, the awesome train does not stop and has no destination. Starting with my first visit to Say No To Crack, I happened upon a picture of a giant rubber duck posted by a certain Bunk Strutts. I enjoyed that post, and when I saw the post on SNTC mentioning Tacky Raccoons, I started visiting there, and it was good. Then I noticed the WordPress link. I thought that it’d be pretty cool to start my own humor blog, so I said to myself, “It’d be pretty cool to start my own humor blog!” So I did.

For a while it was just me, then I added AssDolph, removed him, added pcakes, added the Dolphinator again, then my posts began to wane, and I got fed up with criticism, so I removed them both. Then it was just me for a while, but I went on vacation, so I added Bunk as the managing editor when I was away. I came back, kept Bunk and added Agent DoubleAss-D again.

Then I started the awesome squad, got 7 other members, and started the awesome squad blog, which is where you should go if you want to join. 7 of us post on it, and it is also awesome.

Somewhere around the middle of that story, I joined the numero uno site on the internet, humor-blogs, which will always be twenty times better than sliced bread. Happy, diesel?

THIS BLOG IS AWESOME.

No Purpose Served

No Purpose Served

The password is quiche.


This Video Is Amusing

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Rated T for teen.

Thanks.


Formal Disagreement Simulation

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sit down, beings of questionable gender, for tonight we are going to have a lecture in time.

While it may appear differently, this post is being made from the past. I used a complex algorithim to perform acute calculations to determine the exact amount of voltage needed to propel my time travel device (an Asian) backwards through time (you use a different algorithim for future traveling). First one must understand the structure of time. Reality is like a nuclear reactor, where bars of parallel time converge and are governed by one overlying guardian. In this case, that is father time (who is actually a transvestite).

(accurate depiction of father time)

Now he watches over this reality, ever aware and omniprescent. Of course he can be bypassed by slipping some painkillers into his vodka.

(this is existence)

This is the point where after devising you calculations, you set up your time traveling device (an Asian in my case) and you excecute a power tap from the nuclear reactor that is reality. While this doesn’t propel you back in time, it creates an alternate dimension (fuel rod) however far back you destined to go. You do your work in this dimension until it meets the time that you traveled back from. This is like two parralel fuel rods.

(It’s simple!)

Of course, as you learned with my past revelations, there are controllers for everything (the earth, time, law, MIDI) and the controller of law is actually Santa Claus. So if yo mess up the past then you will meet Santa Clause. He will first fix everything, and then he’ll pimp slap you for being an idiot. And that is my theory of time travel with a few humorous things thrown in so that bunk doesn’t go BAWWW when he sees nothing funny in it and deleting it, forgetting that this blog is for awesome stuff in general, not just BUTTBERRY AWARDS BECAUSE I THINK I’M WITTY. And now I leave yoy with my original post about how Daft Punk can attract just about any crowd.

If you don’t know who Daft Punk is then go sit in an iron maiden.

Another reasonable excuse for me is that 1. I’m always fashionably late. And 2. It was fireworks night at Hershey Park.


Happy America Day!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Let’s start with the National Anthem.

Thanks.

And on this day, we remember America, and children because one day, the country will be in their hands.

Their chubby hands.

And now for something that is false!

Note: The U.S. is a republic, not a democracy.

Happy Philippines Independence Day!


Interesting Stuff

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Take the time to read this…

  • Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58
  • Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
  • Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches
  • Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
  • Percentage of mammal species that are monogamous: 3
  • Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
  • Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
  • Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
  • Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
  • An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
  • In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
  • February 1865 was the only month in recorded history that didn’t have a full moon.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  • When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying “R2D2″. George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.
  • The youngest pope was 11 years old.
  • Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.
  • Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
  • Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Your nose and ears never stop growing.
  • They have square watermelons in Japan…they stack better.
  • Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
  • Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
  • It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
  • Men get hiccups more often than women.
  • Armadillos can be housebroken.
  • Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.
  • The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.
  • A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
  • Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.
  • A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
  • A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
  • A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
  • Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.
  • The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.
  • Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
  • The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
  • One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
  • The average American will eat about 11.9 pounds of cereal per year.
  • You’re born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206.
  • Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
  • Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
  • The State of Florida is bigger than England.
  • Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.
  • It’s against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.
  • Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day.
  • Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.
  • During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That’s the weight of about 6 elephants.
  • Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can’t find any food.
  • Dolphins sleep with one eye open.
  • The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.
  • In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can’t flow.
  • About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.
  • More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.
  • A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.
  • Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.
  • In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.
  • Slugs have 4 noses.
  • Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.
  • Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.
  • Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.
  • The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.
  • It’s against the law to slam your car door in Switzerland.
  • There wasn’t a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.
  • Honeybees have hair on their eyes.
  • A jellyfish is 95 percent water.
  • In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.
  • A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
  • The elephant is the only mammal that can’t jump.
  • The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly.
  • The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
  • Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.
  • One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
  • America once issued a 5-cent bill.
  • You’ll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.
  • Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
  • Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under is cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.
  • Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.
  • A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.
  • A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
  • Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
  • The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.
  • Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
  • The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.
  • In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.
  • There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S.
  • Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.
  • Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
  • Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day.
  • The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.
  • In England, in the 1880’s, “Pants” was considered a dirty word.
  • Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
  • In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell, Michigan.
  • The average person laughs 15 times a day.

 

You are now more knowledgeable.

Ross and Kelly—Have you ever eaten a square watermelon or seen a dog toupee?

I’ve found this stuff here, but viewer discretion is advised.