What Jacques-Louis David Should Have Done

You know what… caption this for me.

Also: I’m going to be adopting a somewhat regular TTS schedule.

The Schedule

Awesome or Not 1: Napoleon Bonaparte

Alright, let’s give this a try. Here’s what I’ll do: I’ll discuss the awesomenesses and antiawesomenesses of the person on three topics. These are appearance, achievements and shortcomings. For instance, Mr. T would be given an awesome appearance due to mohawk, gold chains and pure muscle, awesome achievements for countless things, one of which would be learning to speak dolphin, and he has only one shortcoming: allowing Sylvester Stallone to punch him, even if it was just for a movie. Because of this information, T would receive an awesome button:

and be placed under the “Awesome People” category as opposed to be given a not awesome button:

and being placed in the “Not Awesome People” category.

So with that in mind, let’s begin the first official S.P.L.H.C.S. Awesome or Not post!

But first, before you read any further, based on this picture, what do you think the verdict will be?

Here we see Napoleon Bonaparte crossing the Alps. Down in the corner there, he’s marked his territory or something. But I would like to share some information. This painting is a total lie. Jacques-Louis David paints dishonesty, you see. Napoleon did not cross the Alps on a horse. The horse handles badly in those situations.

Mental image: a horse speeding through a mountain pass, funny-looking Frenchman on his back. He takes a sharp turn, skids, falls and rolls along the ground until it catches on fire.

No, he crossed on a mule. But the French didn’t need to know that, so the idea of Napoleon crossing mountains on a horse is awesome, but overall, there’s one thing that takes away the awesome in the appearance category.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO FAKE A PAINTING, FAKE THE LOOSENESS OF YOUR PANTS.

Now onto achievements.

1. Right off the bat, he was a French guy who didn’t surrender until after he was defeated at Waterloo, which won’t go into the unacheivements (That’s going to be the word now. I make up words like Shakespeare sometimes.) because that was Michel Ney’s fault, but I won’t go into that. Anyways, he did that, which wouldn’t happen with any French people after him. Wimps.
2. Next, he has a pastry named after him, which is always good.
3. I consider his last name to be manly.
4. He escaped exile once, and the only things that stopped him from getting off the other one were that it was in the middle of the Atlantic and he died before he could attempt it.
5. Technically Italian.
6. And that Rosetta Stone thing too, I guess.

He found this in Egypt.

Here.

And those are what strike me the most. And unacheivements:

1. Tight pants.
2. The two guys that beat his army at Waterloo were named Wellington, who is named after a beef dish, and Blucher, whose position could be given away by the sound of neighing horses every time his last name was mentioned. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t his fault. Those guys sound a bit not deserving of the win there.
3. Tried to invade Russia, and everyone knows you don’t invade Russia. Unless you’re on fire or something, of course.
4. He did that weird hand-inside-the-shirt thing. And you know why? He thought hands were the most beautiful part of the body, and he wanted to protect them. Yes, I’m serious.
5. He had a kid named Hortense.
6. Lack of facial hair of any sort.
7. French.

So the time had now come for my judgment.

*drum roll*

Napoleon Bonaparte is…

There you have it! Hope you enjoyed this post. In fact…

Up next: Bears.

Update: Added a new secret comment page. Hint: start at the Stuff To Know page.