Everything Ever

Monday, September 22, 2008

Yay! It’s blogiversary time! After 1 year, there’s 334,378 hits (upon publish), 406 posts, 10 pages (counting the main page and the secret comment page), almost 2,400 comments, and a sidebar with 20 widgets on it.


First off, we have the top 3 posts ever on this blog. Coming in 3rd with more than 18, 700 single visits is “Rocket Gopher.”

Second with over 24,300 visits is “Murdock… I’m comin’ to get you,” which was, in fact, not supposed to have the awesome picture of Chuck Norris, but a less awesome picture of Rambo holding a fish.

First, with more than 28,000 visits is a terribly unfunny lolcat picture which I will not link to or show.

Next up, search engine terms.

In fifth…wow, with nearly 13,000 hits.

Fourth: “funny pictures,” with over 17,000 views.

Third: “funny,” with more than 18,000 visits.

Unfortunately, “funny cats” is second with almost 21,000 idiots.

Finally, making up for the second place term, “chuck norris” is in the lead with over 35,000 awesome people.

Chronicling of The Awesome Train

As I hope you know, the awesome train does not stop and has no destination. Starting with my first visit to Say No To Crack, I happened upon a picture of a giant rubber duck posted by a certain Bunk Strutts. I enjoyed that post, and when I saw the post on SNTC mentioning Tacky Raccoons, I started visiting there, and it was good. Then I noticed the WordPress link. I thought that it’d be pretty cool to start my own humor blog, so I said to myself, “It’d be pretty cool to start my own humor blog!” So I did.

For a while it was just me, then I added AssDolph, removed him, added pcakes, added the Dolphinator again, then my posts began to wane, and I got fed up with criticism, so I removed them both. Then it was just me for a while, but I went on vacation, so I added Bunk as the managing editor when I was away. I came back, kept Bunk and added Agent DoubleAss-D again.

Then I started the awesome squad, got 7 other members, and started the awesome squad blog, which is where you should go if you want to join. 7 of us post on it, and it is also awesome.

Somewhere around the middle of that story, I joined the numero uno site on the internet, humor-blogs, which will always be twenty times better than sliced bread. Happy, diesel?


No Purpose Served

No Purpose Served

The password is quiche.

Whatever Happened To My Transylvania Twist?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Monsterday 12! (Insert wittiness here)

Name: Feminus Orbus Tryeyes; Lipstick-Wearing, Three-Eyed Orb

Height/Weight: 4’11/299 lbs.


Can’t really say much about it. Seems to be obtrusive.


Traits: Runs into places and screams. Without robotic legs, it will bounce.

Name: Standardus Pacghosticcus; Standard Pac-Man Ghost Monster

Height/Weight: Several Pixels/Weightless

Attitude: This is the lesser known of the 5 pacman ghosts. It was dropped when it was discovered that all it did was sit offscreen and endorse Christian dating sites.

Comment: “hi people. I whole heartedly love the template of finickypenguin.wordpress.com. Looks good, keep it up! anyways.. Im a very “devoted” christian and I guess I have a few questions on my mind.. I’ve been thinking a lot about dating.. but im not sure where to go with that. My brothers have been telling me christian dating is the way to go.. so I’ve done a little research on *bleep* and found some stuff on *bleep*
Would be awesome to listen to your input.”

Traits: Occasionally it feels blue.

I’m bored.

Out From His Coffin, Drac’s Voice Did Ring

Monday, August 11, 2008

Monsterday 11! Downsizing makes chimpanzees cry, so I’m upgrading from last week’s Monsterday. And the number 4 is overrated. 3!

Name: Hexagus Beakus Intellectus; the Hexagonal Beaked Intelligent Monster

Height/Weight: 6’7″/234 lbs.

Attitude: This monster is nice enough, but its large brain tends to make it a know-it-all, which, in fact, it does. This monster has broken the 10 Commandments of T-Ism several times.

Comment: “Mr. T’s real name is Laurence Tureaud but do not utter it ever!”

Traits: It is not known why this monster has a beak, but it is probably for the sake of having a beak. Its body is hexagonal because it can be. This monster usually fits in as a teacher, and even though my blog is a university, you won’t see this monster anywhere because it was fired for eating the janitors.

Name: Hexagus Androidus; the Android Hexagon

Height/Weight: 7’2″/478 lbs.

Attitude: Only speaks robot. Does not understand love.

Comment: “jpme egdvzcq xzjupm ibvhfxna kwbs jkqnb rswvtpid”

Traits: This is a robotic version of the previous monster, shown by the single robot eye. The object that appears to be a brain is the ultra-complex power source (75 AA batteries). Not sure why it has tentacles.

Name: Jawluss Medusas; the Jawless Medusa Monster

Height/Weight: 2’3″/45 lbs.

Attitude: Insists that that watermelon is Vincent Van Gogh.

Comment: “I’m pretty sure that watermelon is Vincent Vango”

Traits: Turns you to stone then eats you.

By the way, whenever a jibberish-talking monster is featured, it most likely belongs to one guy who is attempting to spam me. He gets caught in Akismet-Net and I allow his comments because he shows up as a different monster each time. Funfunfun.

Igor On Chains, Backed By His Baying Hounds

Monday, August 4, 2008

Monsterday 10, great taste, less filling! In order for the double post to be made in a timely manner there are only 2 monsters today. Also, there is a shortage of them.

Name: Spherus Feminus Rattailicus Bunnicus; the Lipstick-Wearing Spherical Rat-Tailed Bunny Monster (ouch)

Height/Weight: 1’5″/7 lbs.

Attitude: This monster is very flamboyant. They also like pie. The monster depicted here is a male.

Comment: “I LIKE PIE!”

Traits: This monster is just like a mouse that scours around a kitchen floor looking for food. Even though my blog is a giant kitchen, I called the exterminators, so you won’t be seeing this monster.

Name: Trunkus Jawluss Crabbicus Blindus Hawkus; the Blind Jawless Crab-Clawed Hawking Tree-Monster (long names today)

Height/Weight: 23’4″/750 lbs.

Attitude: This monster loves to promote things and will not stop at it if it isn’t stopped. It is also lactose intolerant.

Comment: Stereo photography is alive and well, and making a comeback of sorts. This is cross-eye free viewing. Parallel free viewing is easier for some, and can be seen at the National Stereoscopic Assn. website at: **********.org. There are links to other 3d sites online, there as well.

Traits: As you can see by the height and weight, this monster is the size of a large tree, which is exactly what it is… except for the fact that it has giant crab claws, a mouth, and a brain. Maybe I should call those guys that move trees…


The Zombies Were Having Fun

Monday, July 28, 2008

Monsterday 9: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is! Height and weight added!

Name: Androidus Wingus; Winged Android Monster

Height/Weight: 3’5″/436 lbs.

Attitude: The latest in security systems (from a small company called Cyberdyne), this “monster” will allow access to guarded places (No, not the secret comment page) by asking a question that only those qualified to know the answer can gain access to guarded areas.

Example of Speech: “Does Fluffy like lime tacos?”

Traits: Since my blog is obviously a military installation, you’ll see this monster over at the main gate. If incorrect answers are given by someone 3 times, this monster will use the robotic eye to shoot a bolt of energy that paralyzes its victim to allow for containment and interrogation courtesy of Mr. T. If the target tries to run, the monster will fly to pursue them.

Name: Triangulus Jawluss Standardus; Standard Jawless Trianguloid (Egyptian Variety)

Height/Weight: 5’2″/134 lbs.

Attitude: Doesn’t say much, much like this description.

Example of Speech: “crappo”

Traits: Go ahead. See if your head can fit into his mouth. I dare you. No, there are no teeth! (shifty eyes)

Name: Overconfidus Hornus Multiplies Tenteclus; the Multi-Eyed Overconfident Tentacled Horned Monster

Height/Weight: 2’3″/67 lbs.

Attitude: Incredibly confident, this monster thinks that it can take Chuck Norris.

Example of Speech: “I just kicked Chuck’s butt last week. I’ll do it again. See if I don’t.”

Traits: This monster can constrict its victims, it can use a horn attack, it can leer at you with its eyes, and it can get angry and use an attack out of fury. Anybody here work for the Pokemon Company? No? Good.

Note: This monster is now extinct.

And since I didn’t get much of a response to the interactive thing…

Name: Brownus Blobbus Arachnus; Brown Blob Spider (submitted by panascakes)

Height/Weight: 1’3″ tall/20 oz.

Attitude: It is a heavy drinker so whenever it speaks it tends to replace a word with something beer related. (submitted by panascakes)

Example of Speech: “woot its chug norris”

Traits: Like all spiders, this monster can spin a web. The tuft of fur on top of the blobular form is the creator of the black web. Being a pretty big spider (with robotic arms), you definately don’t want this thing crawling on your face. The brown coloring allows for it to blend in to tree bark. Rather than having a poison (it has no teeth), it tends to completely engulf mice and rats and dissolve them with acidic saliva. Ouch.

Anybody want a monsterday button? If you use WordPress, create a text widget and post this code, replacing the1st parenthese with the less than symbol and using the greater than symbol instead of the parenthese at the end.

(img src=”https://finickypenguin.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/monsterday.jpg” )

You end up with this.

Any new button ideas? Just tell me!