The Presidents Of The United States Of America

Yup. I’ve decided to come back. Posts won’t be daily. Maybe weekly or biweekly, if I feel like it.

For the last 42, go here for the pictures.

George Washington: Whatever room he’s standing in must be in some huge house. Also, he must be pretty manly with that whole sword thing going on. He’s like: “Hey, I’m president. If you don’t like it, I’ll cut your hand off.”

John Adams: Looks kinda fat. Not very nice to be around. The kind of guy that would hit a dog with a cane.

Thomas Jefferson: Looks like a smart guy, but he’s wearing some sort of towel around his neck, so I can’t take him seriously.

James Madison: He’s staring into my soul. I want to go to the next one.

James Monroe: This man has a defined butt-chin. And all these guys are wearing neck towels. This needs to end.

John Quincey Adams: This guy has a nice chair and captivating sideburns. That book he’s reading is probably something involving explosives or learning how to seduce women with outstanding sideburns.

Andrew Jackson: He has a cape or something.

Martin Van Buren: HOLY CRAPPING SIDEBURNS! This man is my hero. Those pamphlets in his hand are probably titled “Why You Are Worse Than Me.”

William Henry Harrison: He looks wholesome. I’m sure his presidency was eventful.

John Tyler: He looks boring. His nose is quite strange, though.

James K. Polk: Stop it with the neck towels! This guy looks pretty evil. The walls in that room are probably soaked in the blood of his enemies.

Zachary Taylor: Professor Snape was president. He also liked buttons.

Millard Fillmore: Obviously standing in the same room that Washington was in before some moron changed his picture on Wikipedia. In other news, this guy looks like a pimp. That paper contains directions to your mom’s house. When asked how to spell his name he explains it as: “Fillmore, as in ‘Tonight, I’m going to FILL MORE women than you’. Oooooooh!”

Franklin Pierce: GAY! Just look at him…and his filthy NECK TOWEL! I hate those things so much.

James Buchanan: “Heeeeey y’all! I’m James, and I’m the president. My partner Franklin just got out of office, and I think it’s really exciting that we both get to live out the same dreams and ambitions, and I’m sure I’ll just SHIMMER as president.”

Abraham Lincoln: Can it be true? YES! No more neck towels. That must be why Lincoln was so important. Abe got style! And his first vice president’s name was Hannibal. That’s pretty cool. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth, a time-traveling pirate.

Andrew Johnson: Two words- Popped. Collar. So why was he impeached? He was just that cool.

Ulysses S. Grant: This man begins the famed Facial Hair Age of the Presidents. Abraham almost started it, but Johnson was known to have a fear of facial hair and foiled it. When his four years were up, Grant rode his horse into the Oval Office and trampled Andrew’s body for committing something so heinous.

Rutherford B. Hayes: No president has ever possessed such epic beardity and one never will. That black cloud behind him is probably from the machinery he uses to maintain his face-afro. His one fist is clenched, most likely because of his ongoing fight with time traveling pirates. By that, I’m implying that he’s a time traveler.

James Garfield: Here we see the decline in the Beard Epoch. It appears as though all the hair from his head has moved to his face. Additionally, a dog appears to have released waste on his upper lip.

Chester A. Arthur: His sideburns clearly make up for the lack of a beard because they turn into a mustache. His shoes are shiny, his coat is fur, and he is resting his arm on the Goddamn Ark of the Covenant. My evaluation: pimp.

Grover Cleveland (The Original): Still preserving the Mustache Period, this guy has a pretty good story. In the last week of his presidency, he was about to banish the ghost of Andrew Johnson, who obviously haunted the Oval Office, to hell, when he was mostly dematerialized my ectoplasm…

Benjamin Harrison: A beardy man with a pocket watch and a fancy for tablecloths with tassels on it. Now, back to Grover. Benjamin here was “meeting” with Grover’s wife while she was “cheating on her husband” in the Lincoln bedroom. He heard a noise in the Oval Office. He proceeded to kick the ghost of Andrew Johnson in the balls and assert himself as president, not before sending off the arm of Cleveland to a facility in Alaska…

Grover Cleveland (The Clone): Which was a cloning facility established…never mind. More on that later. Long story short, in 4 years, Grover Cleveland’s clone returned to D.C. to claim the presidency back. In gladiatorial combat. With Benjamin Harrison. So he won, proceeded to do some stuff and then left. Great story? Yeah. I know.

William McKinley: Those glasses he’s holding would probably instantly make him studly and wise, but he stopped the continuous chain of mustachio/beardy presidents. That’s why he was assassinated.

Theodore “Strangles Moose With His Bare Hands” Roosevelt: This demi-god is too awesome for all words. Think of something awesome……..He did that. Twice. At least. If you don’t think so, comment.

William H. Taft: The “H” is for hefty. Seriously, this guy bends space time. Just look at his legs and his surroundings. He’s distorted them. Wormholes form when he flatulates. WORMHOLES! Rutherford B. Hayes back there harnessed the power of a particularly juicy release to gain the ability to time travel (this story gets bigger).

Woodrow Wilson: Looks kind of like…I’ve got nothing. Nice tie? Whatever.

Warren G. Harding: “Hello. Master Dracula is resting at the moment. He enjoyed a nice…feast… with the previous visitors and is tired…” Looks like the butler of Dracula or something.

Calvin Coolidge: Looks like he suffered some sort of trauma. Causing him to never leave that chair. Just sits and reads “Why You Are Worse Than Me.” all day.

Herbert Hoover: Holy Teddy! HE HAS NO EYES! He’s just staring blankly. Like James Madison. Except old.

Franklin D. Roosevelt: A man with polio. A man with counterphobia (look it up). A man with a butt-chin. Looks pretty weird. Did some Great Depression thing.

Harry S Truman: This guy’s the bomb.

Dwight D. Eisenhower: I suppose this guy must’ve been rich. His glasses and that flag behind him are made from solid gold. Also, he has very intensely colored eyes. It’s because he has laser vision. Tie’s not very unique, additionally.

John F. Kennedy: A younger incarnation of Eisenhower, obviously because they have the same tie. His stunt double (yes, presidents have those) was unfortunately killed by a certain time-traveling pirate by the name of Lee Harvey Oswald.

Lyndon B. Johnson: Another butt chin. Looks boring. I’ve got nothing.

Richard Nixon: He’s probably made of wax or something. Not the criminal type.

Gerald Ford: This man was contacted by Hayes to warn all the presidents that followed of a young time-traveling pirate who would try to become president, and he needed to be stopped. He didn’t say who because that would screw up space-time.

Jimmy Carter: The first president swayed by the evil time traveler’s ways. His efforts to alter the future to get him elected made his presidency look like nothing happened. Sometimes called “The Wasp” because of his tie. I just totally made that up.

Ronald Reagan: The next president won by Hayes, although he was first contacted by the evil traveler. This defiance had him shot at by another time-pirate. This convinced him to join the side of the evil traveler, but his memory was wiped clean by a Taft-fart.

George H. W. Bush:

Bill Clinton:

George W. Bush:

Barack Obama:


6 Responses to The Presidents Of The United States Of America

  1. Kitty says:

    Welcome back FinPen, love the new template.

  2. planetross says:

    I thought this entry was going to be about the band. (sad face)

    welcome back!

  3. Haha. Exactly!

    Et gratias.

  4. Gabriel... says:

    Great comeback post… can kind of see where the mediation started to wear off, but still an awesome hallucination.

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